So, you want to fight with me about my beliefs and way of life?

Well, it probably won't surprise you that I don't want to fight. I've had enough of fighting in my life already. I'm battle weary and bear the scars of a fair few years of mental anguish as I have struggled to come to terms with myself.

That is, also, part of the reason as to why I extended my original home pages to cover the BDSM side of my life.

I have met many people in the BDSM scene. Many of those people, who I hold a considerable respect for, hold positions of trust. However, they live a life of constantly looking over their shoulders, scared that someone will dig up their activities and berate them. You won't find me naming names, either, as they have done good works for society and I raise my glass to them and wish them a long a peaceful life. Long may they continue their works. Society would gain nothing from their falling, except a short lived time of finger pointing; and much would be lost by their demise from society.

As for me, however, things are a little different. At the tender age of thirty five, I'm worn out. I have not got the energy to look over my shoulder, waiting to see if some wanker is going to shoot me down and claim the prize of the kill. Fuck that.

I know that being this way restricts my life greatly. I was talking with a respected headmaster who knows me; and they would have no compunction about me serving at their school. They know me well enough that their children would be in no danger and that the school would benefit greatly from me; but I told them that to do so was folly. With my degree of openness, word would swiftly get around and the parents, having no personal knowledge of me whatsoever, would fly in to a panic and tear down the gates of the school, baying for my blood. Despite having no just cause, they would demand my resignation. Employing me in such a capacity would only be trouble. After thinking on it, they agreed with my view.

Indeed, it is one of the crosses that I bear; of wanting to benefit society, of almost having a physical need to serve, but knowing that society would reject me. After attending Air Training Corps I wanted to become a pilot, but I knew the course that my life was going to take and I dropped my application. Later in my life I tried to enter the I.T. section of a police force, and also a health authority, but was turned down by both. I would like to teach; a number of my family are respected teachers; but for me it will never happen.

There are many people for whom the BDSM lifestyle is inwardly destructive; a way of escaping the responsibilities of life. I know of both men and women who seek to voluntarily give up their freedom and enter the realms of white slavery; to exchange the burden of responsibility for sanctuary and safety in someone elses home. For me, however, I am a fighter. I can never enter slavery for I want to breathe the fresh morning air of another day. Even if it be only for a moment before I pick up my sword and once more return to the fray.

It is from the world of BDSM that I gain my strength. It is in that world that I find people to whom I can genuinely trust my life. It is there that I regain my focus; there that I find a temporary peace amid people with whom I can discuss strong topics and explore my heart, soul, body and mind with no fear of recrimination or prejudice.

Is that something to be ashamed of? I think not! If there is any shame to be recognised it is that society is ready to waste such precious resource without a second thought.

However, all this is changing. Whereas only a few years ago, admitting my part in the lifestyle would have been rewarded by the words, "sexual deviant," being plastered across my files, now even respected psychiatrists pay heed to the wider implications and positive nature that the scene can bring to people's lives.

It will still be many years before the greater body of society accepts the same point of view, but much has already happened towards that day. It is testament that these web pages are allowed to exist at all, and that I have the right to the freedom of speech that modern life has granted me.

If you read my writings, and wish to hear what I have to say, then perhaps you may understand that despite having the range of freedom that I do, I use it merely to defend myself and that I do not readily attack others unless provoked.

So, do you really want to fight? If you are one of the (thankfully) diminishing few that still do, then I pity you for feeling so insecure that you have to defeat all others simply to stand sure of yourself. Go find a mirror in which to practice your war; but leave me in peace, for you have already placed a heavy burden on my shoulders. I, who want nothing more than peace; have to suffer those that have no tolerance in their souls and gain pleasure from tormenting others.